


Dagobah

by OrmondSacker



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotions, Finn Skywalker, Force Training, Force-Sensitive Finn, Gen, Jedi Finn, Jedi Training, Past Child Abuse, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 06:12:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15455100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrmondSacker/pseuds/OrmondSacker
Summary: Finn trains with his father on the planet his father was trained. But both student and master have problems that needs to be resolved before training can progress.





	Dagobah

**Author's Note:**

> Birthday fic for hijabifinn that I decided to repost here.

"Close your eyes," Skywalker says quietly.

Finn knows the Jedi Master won't be able to tell if he does or not. The man is sitting behind him after all and is not, contrary to what most believe, all-knowing. Still he does as Skywalker instructs hoping the Jedi knows what he's doing, Finn sure as hell doesn't.

The sounds of the swamps of Dagobah seems to increase in volume once he does. Now bereft of sight the squawking of birds and the incessant humming of the thousands of insects feels almost deafening.

"Eyes closed, now what?"

"Focus on your breathing."

Finn begins on the breathing exercises that Skywalker has taught him, trying to make it calm and regular.

Skywalker, Master Skywalker. That's how Finn thinks of him. Though technically dad would be more correct. But that still feels too raw and new and close for him to use. He wonders if Skywalker thinks of him as Finn, or Bail. 

Skywalker's never called him anything but Finn, does he even see him as his son?

"Your mind is wandering."

There is no reproach in Skywalker's voice, only calm observation, but Finn feels his temper flare all the same. 

His anger lies so close to the surface these days. But he struggles it back under his control, it's not fair to take his anger and pain out on Skywalker. He didn't leave him in the First Orders hands all those years out of malice, he had spent them thinking his son dead.

But knowing that doesn't make the anger go away and Finn has to fight to keep from snapping at the Jedi.

"The Force is strong here Finn," Skywalker says. "The Light and the Dark. They both have great influence in this place and those who walks any path of the Force can easily find themselves affected if they do not pay attention." 

Finn can hear Skywalker stand and step closer as he speaks.

"Is that why you brought me here?" Finn asks, turning to Skywalker. "To see how or if I'd let myself be affected?"

The Jedi's face is a carefully kept neutral mask, giving nothing away as Finn studies him.

Leia had told him that her brother had been one of the most expressive people she had ever known when he was young, never able to conceal what he felt or thought. Finn finds it hard to connect that information with the inscrutable man in front of him.

"No. I brought you here because the strength of the Force makes it easier for a new student to connect with it as you were about to attempt before your thoughts wandered off." 

Skywalker falls silent for a moment, looking into the overgrown forest, eyes fixed on something only he can see. Gathering himself, Skywalker shakes his head and his attention returns to Finn.

"Try again."

Finn is tempted to ask him where it was  _his_ mind had gone to, but decides to leave the matter lie for now. Instead he gathers his thoughts once more, calming his breath and focuses his attention on the here and now.

"Do you see the broken branch over there? The one on top of the rocks?" Skywalker asks.

Finn nods.

"Close your eyes and stretch out the way I taught you.  _Feel_  it."

So far Finn has not been able to successfully feel anything this way. It frustrates him. He's never before had difficulties learning anything, but this one thing constantly escapes him.

"Relax, take your time. To reach beyond yourself and into the world is the most difficult skill for a Jedi to master. And it should be. With it you can cause great changes to the world. Not just sense the world around you, or control your own body, but effect changes in others. It is a dangerous skill and to be used with caution."

"If it's so dangerous, why teach it?"

"Why teach someone how to use a weapon? Because sometimes it is necessary, but that doesn't make it less dangerous."

Finn nods again, more slowly this time.

He tries to imagine the broken branch the way he saw it with his eyes, covered in moss and liches, a large twig sticking straight up in the air. 

He can, he thinks, sense it. The wood dead, slowly being eaten to give life to other parts of the flora, insects devouring other parts of it, finding sustenance in its demise. It is dead and yet in a way it also lives and will continue to live. Around it the air is buzzing with life, much of it too small for him to see with his eyes, but in the Force he feels it.

In his mind he sees it tumbling over from its perch, rolling down onto the ground.

A loud thump breaks his concentration and his eyes fly open. The branch is lying on the ground, beside the rock.

He blinks once, not able to believe his eyes.

"Well done," Skywalker says.

Finn looks at him. Skywalker's face looks its usual stern self, revealing nothing of what goes on inside his mind.

"You have come far in a very short time."

Finn can't tell from his tone if it’s a compliment or censure, so he simply shrugs in reply.

"Carry on practicing on your own," Skywalker says as he turns to leave.

"Where are you going?" Finn asks.

Skywalker stops and half turns back towards him.

"To make dinner." Something like a sad smile flitters across Skywalker's face. "Even Jedi have to eat."

Then he disappears between the trees.

With a hefty sigh Finn leans back heavily against a nearby tree as he stares at the point where Skywalker disappeared.

_What had gotten into the man?_

Sighing again he bags his head back against the tree trunk. He wishes he knew how to talk to him, what to say to begin unsnaggling this tangled mess.

He pushes away from the tree and goes to pick up the branch, putting it back to balance on the top of the rocks.

Closing his eyes, Finn tries to focus again, recreating what he just did, but his thoughts keep scattering.

After several attempts he gives up and sits down on a mostly dry rock.

There are things that comes easily to him. 

Visions of other places, something that is usually one of the hardest part of the Jedi path to master, comes naturally. As does sight of things long gone. The future is harder, but then it is never constant, always shifting according to Skywalker, so it is bound to be harder.

And healing. That must have been one of the first things he learned, before he knew what he was doing, when he was still in the hands of the First Order, he healed his own bruises and injuries, drawing on the Force. No wonder he'd never had a day sick.

But this? Reaching out and touching the world in this way? Up until now he had not been able to do it and now it seems he can't replicate it. Maybe because it feels so unnatural, bending the Force this way, using it for something that should never be able to happen otherwise.

Or maybe none of has anything to do with the Force or his relationship with it. Maybe the whole issue is his relationship with Luke Skywalker. His father.

He  _makes_  himself think the thought, acknowledge it.

Something in him that has been restless and ignored since he learned breaks free and takes on a life on its own. 

It snarls and rages:  _H_ _ow dare he!_

Screams:  _Why didn't you come for me?_

He looks at the dead branch.

_Move!_

The branch moves. It flies through the air and knocks hard against a tree, shattering into a million pieces.

Suddenly he can feel it, really feel it. In the ground beneath him and the air, in the trees and moss and lichen. In the animals that he cannot see but only hear. He feels it and knows that should he wish he could reach out and toss them through the air as easily as he just did that branch.

He shuts down immediately, retreats his sense back into his mind as he stares at the place the branch shattered in terror.

_This isn't me, I don't want this._

The sound of something crashing through the trees makes him look up and he sees Skywalker rush into the clearing shock and sadness on his face.

At the sight his anger flares back with full intensity.

"I do not need another lecture about the dangers of the Dark Side," he snaps, leaping to his feet. "I know. I've heard everything you said. I  _lived_  it, lived  _with_ it. For twenty years I lived under its rule, I know it like you never will. I've seen what it does.  _I know!_ "

He exhales slowly, the anger draining from him leaving him feeling weary.

"I know," he repeats, softly this time looking away from Skywalker.

Whatever response he expects from his father, it is not what the man actually does. He does not expect the feeling of the man taking him gently by the shoulders, does expect to be pulled into a tight hug.

Burying his face on his father's shoulder, he hugs him back with equal intensity.

"I don't want to be a weapon," Finn whispers. "It was all they ever tried to make us be."

Luke pushes him back just enough that the can look each other in the eyes, but without letting go and touches his still flesh and blood hand to Finn's cheek wiping away the tears Finn hadn't till then realized was running down his face. The softness of the touch makes his chest feel tight.

"I was trying to teach in a way I hoped you'd find familiar and understandable, but I only hurt you. I'm sorry. The Force can be a weapon when its needed, but it is also so much more when you touch it. You need to do that if you're to heal someone else the way you can heal yourself. Healing is far more difficult than destroying, it always is, but perhaps we should try that route instead."

"Perhaps," Finn agrees, his voice still thick with tears and emotions.

Luke takes another step back, but keeps on hand on his son's shoulder, just as Finn keeps a grip on one of Luke's arms.

"You never told me about your life under the First Order," Luke says.

"You never asked."

"I didn't want to reopen old wounds."

Finn smiles ruefully. The perfect storm of miscommunication. Or lack of communication.

"If you want talk, we could while we eat," Luke offers as he guides them back towards the old, partially ruined hovel. "If I haven't burned dinner that is, I left in bit of a hurry."

"Why did you come running like that?"

"I felt a powerful disturbance in the Force and a lot of anger. I thought you might have been attacked. When I drew near and sensed no one else I knew the only one you were fighting were yourself and your past. I wish I could help you more than I can, but I  _can_  listen."

"You might not like what you hear."

"Maybe not. But if you could live it and survive, then I can stand to hear about it."

"I'll think about it," Finn says. 

He doesn't relish the thought of dragging up memories of his past life, has tried hard to bury it and move on. But maybe his father hearing about it, understanding what it was like, can begin to heal their relationship.

"You mentioned that I'd need to sense the Force outside myself to heal others?" Finn says, changing the topic.

"Yes. I'll show you what I mean later. After dinner."


End file.
